i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
