dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
