found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
