he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
