So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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