Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
