Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
