I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
