Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
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