also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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