I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
