I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
