I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize