I puked a lego.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
