I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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