i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize