All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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