bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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