U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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