Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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