Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
