My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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