You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
