when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
