I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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