I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
