Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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