That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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