we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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