Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
