I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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