Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
