After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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