why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
