do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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