worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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