hotel room ftw
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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