I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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