the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
They are going to name an STD after you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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