i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
