peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize