im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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