why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
