he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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