I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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