Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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