Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
