I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Come share oat with me in your robe
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
