Just fell off a train. Bad.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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