thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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