My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i love accidental penises.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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