Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
