Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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