He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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