and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So much Jack, so little girl.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
