hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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