WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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