I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
