Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
