i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
