So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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