swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
