my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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